A journey of moving out: Counting down.
This is the last weekend. Yesterday, I was at my friend’s place. I wonder if it my age is catching up on me. I came back home and crashed on the floor at 7pm. I enjoy the conversations, food and alcohol, but it seems like being out with people drain me more than it used to be. Perhaps, gathering around evening will have been better for my energy level. I slept earlier than usual the night before.
I look at my phone, it’s not even 8 yet. There is a notification for telegram. A message from the gym dude that I never really care to meet.
“How are you doing?”, — gym dude, 11/12/21, 21:17
“Surviving I guess. Lol”, — me, 12/12/21, 08:24
A few perfunctory messages are exchanged before the conversation fizzles off.
Surviving. At the age of 31, I will have thought that I will be thriving.
“Becoming”, my kobo e-reader showcases the cover of my current read. It’s a memoir by Michelle Obama. it’s a chronicle of her childhood, to adulthood to juggling life between motherhood, being the First Lady and work.
The pages bring me through her journey of hard work, deeply personal experiences, struggles and hope. I put down my Kobo to take in my surroundings.
A stack of books on the floor, a backpack filled with clothes and miscellaneous items lying atop the cupboard. I sit in my bedroom of my parents’ house. This is the last weekend here before I move out.
Perhaps, it’s age. Perhaps, it’s a sense of melancholy of leaving the place I grow up in. Life has been a constant flux of struggles and growth. Though more of it, stories of hope.
Life started off relatively easy in school as one of the top students of the cohort. There was nothing much to do in those days except to study. Then, came poly, where I start to deprioritize my studies, only to graduate with a slightly above average GPA, but still a little awkward to enter into local university.
A decade out in the workforce, freelancing, running my own startup to becoming a full-timer. Sometimes, I wonder, will life be different if I have pursued a degree right away after graduation.
Still, I’m happy with where I am at right now.
However recently, I can’t help but also feel that I’m slowing down in life. I become comfortable with where I am at, albeit still taking steps in my career progression. I feel a lost of zest for life, a feeling I have when I’m in my early twenties. A feeling that maybe, I could make the world a better place in my own way.
But truth be told, I’m barely making a dent right now. It almost feel like a waste of my singlehood. All the excess time to be alone and grow. I look at the things I start that grow like a suffocating plant. Mainly my YouTube channel and my defunct blog.
Today, I sit in the middle of my room, pondering about the steps I should take. I love to create. But the way that I’m creating my Youtube videos are taking too much of my time. I still will love to talk about trading. Though, I feel that I can’t get too much in depth when I’m spending so much time on creating the videos. More of me craves the time I could use to learn and discover more stuff.
My stack of books sits unimposingly on the floor. Options as a strategic investment and derivatives analytics with python. I want to spend more time unveiling the secrets of options and trading. I also want to get better in my profession. Here lies the inconsistency in which I spend more time trying to grow my Youtube channel.
Adding on to all those, I’m studying in a part-time university right now. And requested to switch department to do something I’m unfamiliar with at work.
My fear is that I’ll end up a dabbler, who seems to be getting somewhere but more of nowhere in the prime of my life.
There are small wins. Small toolkit of skillsets build along the way. At least, not many developers can claim they have run an event startup and organised a hackathon along their career I guess?
Still, there are many unanswered question regarding my career. Should I specialise in the tech field? If I were to specialise, what should I specialise? I also wonder if I will be happy specialising? My heart has thus far stray for many things. One of my ex-bosses told me that there is a pattern in things that we do. And this pattern repeats itself in multiple aspects of our lives.
However, entering into my 30s, the strays are more of an oscillation within a vertical rather than swinging wildly like those in my 20s. My current obsession lies pretty much between options/trading, building a tech career and striking out a life of my own away from home.
My 5-years game plan stuck on the cork board above my workstation.
But it mainly revolves around getting my own place, net worth and education. At this point in time, net worth seems almost arbitrary since I don’t need too much. But it’s more of a scoring board to keep track of my game with the market players. And I want to and love to win.
Perhaps, it’s time to make a decision in my life. To cut off the things that does not help me in my game and career, even if I might have a shot of doing well. Ultimately I guess, nothing beats winning in the market and career.
A new beginning. A new life awaits.